Wednesday, June 6, 2012

the death grip

sometimes the one thing that you hold onto is the same one thing that needs to be let go of.
sometimes we hold on so tight for so long that the actual fibers of our being have been conditioned to not let go.
so the process of said letting go may appear to be near impossible.
it may appear to be the hardest thing you have ever asked yourself to do.
it may seem like the end of life as you have known it.
slowly and very slowly, I tell you, one finger at a time, loosen the grip.
nothing held onto that tight can survive.
so my method at the moment is this. get upside down. let go.
release the death grip. give up on the promises. sometimes the best we can do is nothing.
release the idea that you have control over pretty much anything and everything in your life.
accept the unknowing omnipresence of the inevitable.
know that everything will get fucked up.
remember that a good cup of coffee can fix most things.
everything else needs scotch.
and whenever you feel alone, "take comfort in the fact that the ache in your soul and the confusion in your heart means that you are still alive still human and still open to all the beauties of the world though you have done nothing to deserve it." -Paul Harding


I found this picture of me on Jennas hard drive, hiding somewhere between lost days alleyways. I can tell, because I know me really well, that I am happy. I am truly, purely, uninhibitedly happy. Somewhere in Los Angeles on a day we will never see again.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012


It's all happening right now. I tried to call my mother to see what all this means.

Sunday, June 3, 2012


Spending the morning in my life, stewing and brewing on the words of Carole King. I have a cup of hot coffee, the boys are talking surf, the cats are chasing eachother. It's June so the sun wont come out until three. It let's me feel like I can stay inside and work. The only way I can tell I'm growing and changing is by creating. I have to have albums and books written, blogs posted, countries visited. I can't see my own hair grow. I have started a new practice in this life of mine. An adjusting of sorts to my thought patterns. It reminds me of early morning meditation. The care at which I must carry my thoughts back to where I want them to be. Be gentle. Be patient. Be present. For now, I'm very here. Easy like a Sunday morning.

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Friday, June 1, 2012

on the words

It has a lot to do with the heart beat when it doesn't match the brain. I get confused. I get flustered. I get impatient with myself. The sun was going down and catching my eyes and I had a very distinct feeling that it was one of those moments. The last of something you once held sacred and dear. Give it it's proper blessing, send it on it's way. The words were getting stuck on my tongue, but I knew they were there. Learning so much this week. I can't remember everything they say. Even when I know it's important. All the moments just blur together. Big conversations and cups of coffee. This strange feeling hanging on my wrists asking me if this is right, is this the way it is supposed to be. We'll never know unless we try. Choose that which makes it easiest to be happy. You cannot change the way you feel but you can change the way you react to those feelings. Make choices. Make the good hard choices. Grow. Be great. Let go.


this year is half over today.
it all depends on how you see that glass as empty or full.
one of those never ending never right or wrong kind of stand points in life.
today is the perfect day to ask yourself.
are you who you wanted to be this year?
are you moving and growing and changing in all those ways you asked yourself to at the new year?
it's half over.
have you checked anything off that list?
are you lying to yourself.
say you'll do it next week.
start today. it's your halfway, second chance, recommit.

Monday, May 28, 2012

once or twice on love

it only happened once or twice. i heard it on the radio. he sang songs about all the ways he let love go. then I met a guy at the bar last night who was filming a documentary on Love. on the good, the bad, and the ugly of love. I told him I would like to participate. that I would like to be interviewed on what it means to me. what would I say. I have twelve days. I could tell him about the way love eats you from the inside out. the way I see it climb under the skin and infect everything that's good and full and normal in someones life. so much so that they become convinced that they cannot go on living alone. or I could tell him about all the good things love brought me. about kisses and hot nights and people I would have never known had I not had the courage to love them. I could tell him about my firm belief in our ability to love more than one person at a time, fully, and truly. I don't think everyone would agree with me. but I know, I've seen it happen once or twice.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

share the love

I'm totally in love with this blog, and most likely you will be too...
Elise Larson is designer and co-owner of Red Velvet.
Red Velvet is quite possibly the cutest thing in this fucking universe. The store is located in Springfield, MO, I have never actually been there but I've spent enough hours browsing on the internet to feel like these girls are my personal friends. A Beautiful Mess is full of DIY projects, tasty treats, and trendy dresses. Make a cup of tea and enjoy.
So go check them out. HERE!
Make something special.

Inspired by A Beautiful Mess the Little Blacque Blog will be seeing some major renovations this summer. xoxo happy holidays. 

Thursday, May 24, 2012

like never

and then just like that as if the two of them had never happened at all, not even for a moment, all traces were gone. they vanished in the wind, famished by lack of force and feed. the pictures all blew away and the bracelets found new homes. the wind chimes stopped singing and the coffee stopped brewing. the whole world they had created ceased to exist and all the creatures that lived there slowly died along with it. it was like it never happened.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012


I had the strangest dream last night in which I weathered an insane storm. An old friend of mine who passed away a few years ago came to the window. I see him in dreams on occasion and every time I know, even in dream world, that his presence is something special. I always take special care to listen in hopes that when I wake up I will remember whatever it was he came to tell me. This time I carried into the conscious world only one piece of advice. He told me to keep my eyes open. I know there was more. I remember struggling to hear him through the window. I remember he even opened the window and said something more. However I cannot for the life of me remember what he said. Every time I see him his smile and his eyes are just as bright and infectious as the last time I saw him in life. My day is full of his memory and the friends we shared. For those of you out there, I love you.

Thursday, May 10, 2012


medium format film by Taylor Herron, spring 2012, just before I left for Sri Lanka. Thank you.

squaw valley

For forty three years writers have been coming together in the picturesque scape of Squaw Valley to do nothing other than hone the craft of the written word. It's so wonderfully of my world that it seems like something I would make up in a day dream. I received my acceptance this week to Squaw Valley's summer writing program. The realist wondered immediately how I was going to pay for it seeing as how I just got back from the other side of the world and am conveniently unemployed. Then the dreamer who tends to take up more of being immediately banished all worry. I am beside myself with anticipation on spending a fine week in July around some of the most talented writers we have to offer right now. Janet Fitch will be there. I geeked out. Her novel White Oleander changed the trajectory of my life as I finally decided to embrace the gift of writing that had been haunting me my whole life. I am grateful and proud to be among the 126 writers making the trek this summer. Cheers.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012


is there anything more genius than these adorable glasses designed by Elizabeth and James with interchangeable lenses. gorgeous.

i'm not

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Monday, May 7, 2012

peace out bitches

I just went back to my old serving job of six years to pick up my final check. I had to fill out an exit interview that I have been dreaming of for years. There wasn't enough paper to really let them have it but I did get to lay a few final words down in my good old fashion dramatics... feels so good

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Sunday, May 6, 2012


I am unemployed and poor this week so we're shopping with our minds. these are my mind would be purchases.

Monday, April 30, 2012


It held on around the edges.

He asked if it was really love

Was that something people knew?

Something they held onto when they were cold

the most impossible of all the questions were always deciding the future

If you said yes, then what, then who. Who were you?

All the summers blur together

never enough

too many parts

never a whole

was that what you wanted you wonder

The edges blur further taking more than they were given

Taking it all that held on

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Sunday, April 29, 2012

u r my


            There was something about the fabric of the denim against his arm that kept distracting her from the words resting on his lips and falling all over the table. The heavy stitching back and forth back and forth like the shirt could last forever and then behind it his arm looked thin and pale and fine hair all fell in one direction. Thin arms, nice features, nice guys always finish first. He kept talking, having the conversation with himself, she would nod every now and then to let him know she was there somewhat but really, who cares. He was leaving, going nowhere, just not here, just not her. She thought about the first time they had sex in a motel off the five. A hotel has hallways a motel just has rooms. He threw her down across the bed without bothering to remove the comforter, which everyone knows, is the only thing they don’t wash. She kept thinking of how gross the whole thing was as her bare ass rubbed against the faded floral print. Cheap. He kept biting on her ear and she kept looking over his shoulder at a long crack in the wall that seemed to split the whole room in half, like at any moment the floor would open up and swallow them whole. Then it was over and he lay panting next to her one of those thin arms draped across her waist. Her underwear around her ankles felt like shackles and when she came back from the bathroom after cleaning herself up, he had fallen asleep. So all of this was no great derailment in the grand scheme of her life, but why was it that the nice guys were always leaving. The bad guys hung around like habits for years some of them bewitching even from across the country, restraining orders to keep them away, but the nice ones with thin arms and kind eyes and that fuck you nicely in hotel rooms, they leave. I should raise my standards, she thought to herself. He had paused in his speech, was she supposed to speak. She just looked down into her coffee, acting hurt, and acting like there were no words. The coffee was cold and stale and had probably been left over night. The diner was somewhere between two different nowhere off the frontage road in Hemit near a biker bar. She worked down the street at the liqour store. She was on her break. He was paying for the coffee and putting his hand on her shoulder before she knew it and just like that he was gone, thin arms, and denim shirt, and a nice walk that said maybe you’re missing something, but she knew chances are she wasn’t. She sat there for the rest of her break, which was only thirty minuets, which meant he had only spoken for ten. It was that easy then, less than ten minutes to leave someone. She wished she could remember what he said.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

either way

the weight of nothing was having a crushing affect

The Unbearable Lightness Of Being making more sense than it ever had between the pages

What was there to do

He said surrender to the time

loose the structure

then find peace

Decades if pressing matters wore the treads so deep

the wheels spun with nothing to move forward on

What was all the sense in making something from nothing anyway?

Whose time were we waiting?

Either way

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Wednesday, April 25, 2012


sometimes it works !

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Tuesday, April 24, 2012

My new work corner

A place to still call my own..

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I'm back

She said it was the star and all I have to do is have hope. That's fair.

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Thursday, March 29, 2012

bueno bye.

it's just a lot.

i know, he said.

it's so much you can see the white caps on the surface and feel the wind in your face.

i know, he said.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

to expect.

there's three boxes left in the corner.
all the jewelry taken off the walls.
just full of empty places.

they say theirs no change
and yet all there is is change
so you see you
are a contridiction.

I imagine coming back weathered
and tan in the face
a slow beat and a lighter step.

I expect things.
I expect everything.

I want to take as little with me as possible
what is possible

I'll love you.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

time to go


that's how I feel most of the time right now and have for most of the month. I am at a complete loss at how to proceed and have now wedged time for blogging into what should be one of the busiest days on the countdown. I'm lying in my bed, waking up in my room for one of the last times. My things still hanging off the walls before I carefully pack them away today. My clothes in the closet, my crystals on my nightstand, all waiting to be packed away.

bye, for now.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Momento Mori

something we can all strive for. genius.

miss u

so in love with this wonderful photo of my dear friend Jenna Rae who is living down in Lima Peru at the moment. love u. miss u.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

the law of three

The number three is one of the most powerful numbers in all of universe. The triangle having three points is the strongest of all structures and the entire universe is based on a law of three: The Vedic system of knowledge is based on a tripartite approach to the universe where connections exist in triples in categories of one group and across groups: sky, atmosphere, earth; object, medium, subject; future, present, past; and so on.

We as well function based on a law of three: These are three states, or conditions, of the soul, made evident on the mental plane in the self-conscious mind.
In the Sattvic state, the mind is intent upon goodness and truth, wisdom and love. This condition leads to the evolution of the higher (the buddhic) emotions, and to the Ideals (state of gods).
In the Rajasic state, the mind is full of outgoing energy towards the acquisition of objects of sense, knowledge, fame, power, ambition, social benefit, etc. This condition leads to the evolution of the mental faculties in their widest range (state of men) and to the intuition of truth.
In the Tamasic state the mind is sluggish, unaroused, stupid, ignorant and without zest in the pursuit of any worthy objects. This condition leads to the evolution of the desires, passions, and appetites (state of beasts).
According to Manu, Sattva (goodness) has the form of knowledge, and induces a deep calm full of bliss, and a pure light. Rajas (activity) has the form of love and hatred, and induces pain and dissatisfaction, and an activity difficult to conquer, which draws embodied souls to the objects of sense. Tamas (darkness) has the form of ignorance, and is coupled with delusion unfathomed by reasoning.

In Wicca the law of three (or the rule of return) states that all that you do, good or bad, will find it's way back to you three fold. it is a literal reward or punishment tied to your actions (especially is you are meddling with magic)
Ever Mind The Rule Of Three

Three Times Your Acts Return To Thee

This Lesson Well, Thou Must Learn

Thou Only Gets What Thee Dost Earn.

So, on this particular day of three: 3/3/12 (1+2=3). I suggest you mind your actions with the utmost awareness.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Saturday, February 25, 2012


are so fun
because everybody tells someone.

Friday, February 24, 2012

for what it's worth

she never said what was really on her mind, had a nice way of keeping the good pieces to herself to mull over and take apart. she saw very little in the point of explaining the way she felt to people that clearly would never feel the same way about anything from the way rain fell to how the world turns. it was like teaching others to speak a language that she herself could barely decipher. there were more important things in life to spend time on. there were other ways to get along or get on with it. she was the most fascinated and captivated by the idea of love. not the feeling or any particular person, but the idea. the way people seemingly loose themselves in another. didn't he say that was the most dangerous thing a human being can do. and yet all around her she watched as they sought it out, dove in, and who was more foolish and who was more sad she wondered; those that watched or those that fell. for what's it worth she told him, she would have tried.

Thursday, February 23, 2012


I drew the knight of swords. He told me plainly to move forward. You have all that you need.

I'm leaving the country.
I'm moving out of my house. (to where I don't know)
I'm loosing my job.

fiat lux.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

more free music

We at Milk Route Records recognize the fuzzy feeling when you get thing for free.
So here is another record from our camp via Old Scratch.


do you know?

you have no idea what all this time means
you keep it silent and buried in your sleeve
I haven't the slightest clue where it is you go
and what it is you do
All I know is it comes back to you
open fields and dirt roads
silent spaces
and mediocre views
a lot of waiting

do you know yet?
cause I don't.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

in vain

If I had a single dollar for every morning that I woke
with the thought of your hands wrapt round my neck
so tight that I might choke
Then I would I buy myself an airplane
so I could get the hell up out of dodge
and find myslef a new tortured man
who wouldn't think that this is wrong.
If I had a little lullaby for every time that you said no
then I would write an entire record
of the ways I've watched you go
and then I would play it with a syphony
for all the world to hear
of the all the ways you broke my heart
and refused to keep me near.
If I had the words to give you to tell me how you feel
I wouldn't need to spend these years
convincing us that this is real
I could write out by hand
the way that people wait in vain
but what's the point of all this work
when I know I'll wait again.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

vanity via TH

spent the afternoon with the talented Taylor Herron a bit ago and this is what happened...