head west

She sat with her feet hanging over the edge and thought about how long it would take to hit the ground running. It had been nothing but broken signs and empty glasses since she left and the idea of going back was the only thing worse than going forward. Why did it seem that at this age only one piece of life could come together at a time. Only in loosing something would you gain something else and the sacrifice of breaking one meant the resolution of another. People are not for barter. Time is not for sale. And as far as she had become concerned, love wasn't a commodity they carried on this side of the Mississippi. It was why she was heading West. If it was good enough for the sun to set, it was good enough for her.

Make something.

There is a fair assessment to be made of the times. There is always something to be said, even when no one wants to say it. To be that person, to have that voice, and to make that change is one of the greatest challenges we face daily. How easy to bite your tongue, to stifle those thoughts, and quiet those truths brimming on the edges of your brain. How simple to simply slide aside and be one of the masses. It is a call to greatness to do what you do. It is a call of greatness just to be you. For people like us there is no easy way, there is the only way. It must be explored, these ideas they must be ventured. Something must be left behind as a tribute to these times. Call upon yourself to be the answer. Make something.

dreamt meant

If my dreams are right. Which they always are. Then I can safely say I am or I have moved from one place and am now precariously in another.

truffula trees

But those trees! Those trees! 

Those Truffula Trees! 

All my life I'd been searching 

for trees such as these.

The touch of their tufts

was much softer than silk.

And they had the sweet smell 

of fresh butterfly milk.

 

 

love

Photographs from the most heavenly weekend in late August in Sonoma California.
Nisan Perera and Marcelle Nicholson's wedding. Love you both.

100 trees

After an accident last week in which a 50 foot Eucalyptus tree on Irvine Avenue fell out of nowhere onto a car and killed a twenty nine year old women, the trees have been deemed unsafe and are being cut down outside my house as I write this. All 104 trees along Irvine Ave are being cut down.

cleanning

It's the smallest thing that derail the fastest thoughts. In the midst of all this running and changing there are glittering moments of tomorrow. She tried picking up all the everything that had been left around the apartment from neglecting her life in the last few weeks. They say your surroundings are a reflection of your inner self. She was determined to leave it shinning before the sun had set. Some things take time and other things deserve to be hung on the wall and polished for what they were, not what they are. She was trying to clean all the ghosts from the closets and the stains from the rugs but her heartbeat was dragging her down.

fell

This happens many places. It doesn't happen here, but a girl can dream. Right?

unsung

Sometimes when I think of a good first line, a feeling, or a moment that must be elaborated upon it escapes me before I can get to the pen. Someone stops me to ask where the restroom is or if the linguine is spicy. In a split second I've lost the rhythm, the tone, the voice, the words all together. By the time I am done speaking it's all evaporated and I stand there for a few moments fishing in my head, trying to catch the tail end of whatever it was I had. Then when I cannot I start to wonder where they all go. Some unknown land of unsung lyrics.

see... it's science

love him like science

fall

It was hard to tell when Fall came in, so I left the door open and just waited, wide eyed with hot tea and fewer questions than ever. I wanted Fall to come in and wash over me, change the colors of what this summer had brought me, make everything settle and fall from their tall trees. It's hard here in California to receive the same affect of seasons as they come and go. It's hard to know clearly when one thing ends so something else can begin. A lot of the time I'm left there standing and wondering what just happened. So this time around I'm keeping my eyes open, I'm listening to everything she has to say, and when she does arrive, I'll invite her in for tea.

been down..

i'm still sorry.

make a break

She said she wanted a clean break, a fresh start, a new view on this tired scene. Unable to physically remove herself or transcend realities she began breaking and replacing everything around her in an almost systematic manner. She thought that if the landscape changed, if the players changes, then inevitably she would have to change too. Passing off the blame to those around her rather than riding herself to the shame house. It was a sad story and even as she was telling it, creating it, she could see the flaws and fractures in her reasoning. She hung to the belief that if she just created a break so severe her neurological pathways would be forced to reconfigure themselves. But the bad times kept revisiting her in her dreams because you can't teach ghosts to stay away and you can't ask memories to change.

Eyes Up

Even if you were looking there is no way you would have seen this coming. Sometimes the horizon is just an illusion and the more we chase it the less we see what's taking place right next to us. When our gardens go untended and when the waters cease to flow we suddenly find ourselves in a place we never meant to be. Like the life we had or the life we thought we were making just slipped out the back door without our noticing because we were paying so much attention to the flashing lights. Becoming the person you want to be can be a painful process because many times growing takes place in spite of ourselves. It is easier to kick against the things that happen to us, easier to deny the obvious. What I always wonder though is when will we fall in line with what is good for us as well as what we want?

Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate

The Ninth Circle, fourth round, of hell is saved for the betrayers. All sinners punished, encapsulated in ice, for eternity. 

want more?

Looking for creative types to start a forum or workshop of sorts. Anything you can bring to the table is appreciated. More details to follow... email me at belair.erin@gmail.com

brighter note

 

On a brighter note. I bought these. 

So effing cute.

So 70's.

So Fall. 

So Me.

pledged

In the grand scheme of things this all seems to inevitable to have circumvented. Some things you cannot avoid. These are things that were set into motion many moons ago. Only now do we see how greatly our actions affect others. For all those that were a part of this, I am deeply sorry, for I've been teaching lessons I had no right to give. When the new year came around I sat in my yoga class and we penciled out goals for ourselves like the first day of third grade. Mine sits taped to my mirror and says, Do Right By Myself.

let go

bye.