the death grip

sometimes the one thing that you hold onto is the same one thing that needs to be let go of.
sometimes we hold on so tight for so long that the actual fibers of our being have been conditioned to not let go.
so the process of said letting go may appear to be near impossible.
it may appear to be the hardest thing you have ever asked yourself to do.
it may seem like the end of life as you have known it.
slowly and very slowly, I tell you, one finger at a time, loosen the grip.
nothing held onto that tight can survive.
so my method at the moment is this. get upside down. let go.
release the death grip. give up on the promises. sometimes the best we can do is nothing.
release the idea that you have control over pretty much anything and everything in your life.
accept the unknowing omnipresence of the inevitable.
know that everything will get fucked up.
remember that a good cup of coffee can fix most things.
everything else needs scotch.
and whenever you feel alone, "take comfort in the fact that the ache in your soul and the confusion in your heart means that you are still alive still human and still open to all the beauties of the world though you have done nothing to deserve it." -Paul Harding

happy

I found this picture of me on Jennas hard drive, hiding somewhere between lost days alleyways. I can tell, because I know me really well, that I am happy. I am truly, purely, uninhibitedly happy. Somewhere in Los Angeles on a day we will never see again.

Venus

It's all happening right now. I tried to call my mother to see what all this means.

flux

Carole

Spending the morning in my life, stewing and brewing on the words of Carole King. I have a cup of hot coffee, the boys are talking surf, the cats are chasing eachother. It's June so the sun wont come out until three. It let's me feel like I can stay inside and work. The only way I can tell I'm growing and changing is by creating. I have to have albums and books written, blogs posted, countries visited. I can't see my own hair grow. I have started a new practice in this life of mine. An adjusting of sorts to my thought patterns. It reminds me of early morning meditation. The care at which I must carry my thoughts back to where I want them to be. Be gentle. Be patient. Be present. For now, I'm very here. Easy like a Sunday morning.

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on the words

It has a lot to do with the heart beat when it doesn't match the brain. I get confused. I get flustered. I get impatient with myself. The sun was going down and catching my eyes and I had a very distinct feeling that it was one of those moments. The last of something you once held sacred and dear. Give it it's proper blessing, send it on it's way. The words were getting stuck on my tongue, but I knew they were there. Learning so much this week. I can't remember everything they say. Even when I know it's important. All the moments just blur together. Big conversations and cups of coffee. This strange feeling hanging on my wrists asking me if this is right, is this the way it is supposed to be. We'll never know unless we try. Choose that which makes it easiest to be happy. You cannot change the way you feel but you can change the way you react to those feelings. Make choices. Make the good hard choices. Grow. Be great. Let go.

half

this year is half over today.
it all depends on how you see that glass as empty or full.
one of those never ending never right or wrong kind of stand points in life.
today is the perfect day to ask yourself.
are you who you wanted to be this year?
are you moving and growing and changing in all those ways you asked yourself to at the new year?
it's half over.
have you checked anything off that list?
are you lying to yourself.
say you'll do it next week.
start today. it's your halfway, second chance, recommit.

once or twice on love

it only happened once or twice. i heard it on the radio. he sang songs about all the ways he let love go. then I met a guy at the bar last night who was filming a documentary on Love. on the good, the bad, and the ugly of love. I told him I would like to participate. that I would like to be interviewed on what it means to me. what would I say. I have twelve days. I could tell him about the way love eats you from the inside out. the way I see it climb under the skin and infect everything that's good and full and normal in someones life. so much so that they become convinced that they cannot go on living alone. or I could tell him about all the good things love brought me. about kisses and hot nights and people I would have never known had I not had the courage to love them. I could tell him about my firm belief in our ability to love more than one person at a time, fully, and truly. I don't think everyone would agree with me. but I know, I've seen it happen once or twice.

share the love

I'm totally in love with this blog, and most likely you will be too...
Elise Larson is designer and co-owner of Red Velvet.
Red Velvet is quite possibly the cutest thing in this fucking universe. The store is located in Springfield, MO, I have never actually been there but I've spent enough hours browsing on the internet to feel like these girls are my personal friends. A Beautiful Mess is full of DIY projects, tasty treats, and trendy dresses. Make a cup of tea and enjoy.
So go check them out. HERE!
Make something special.

Inspired by A Beautiful Mess the Little Blacque Blog will be seeing some major renovations this summer. xoxo happy holidays. 

like never

and then just like that as if the two of them had never happened at all, not even for a moment, all traces were gone. they vanished in the wind, famished by lack of force and feed. the pictures all blew away and the bracelets found new homes. the wind chimes stopped singing and the coffee stopped brewing. the whole world they had created ceased to exist and all the creatures that lived there slowly died along with it. it was like it never happened.

adam.

I had the strangest dream last night in which I weathered an insane storm. An old friend of mine who passed away a few years ago came to the window. I see him in dreams on occasion and every time I know, even in dream world, that his presence is something special. I always take special care to listen in hopes that when I wake up I will remember whatever it was he came to tell me. This time I carried into the conscious world only one piece of advice. He told me to keep my eyes open. I know there was more. I remember struggling to hear him through the window. I remember he even opened the window and said something more. However I cannot for the life of me remember what he said. Every time I see him his smile and his eyes are just as bright and infectious as the last time I saw him in life. My day is full of his memory and the friends we shared. For those of you out there, I love you.

blocked

TH

medium format film by Taylor Herron, spring 2012, just before I left for Sri Lanka. Thank you.

squaw valley

For forty three years writers have been coming together in the picturesque scape of Squaw Valley to do nothing other than hone the craft of the written word. It's so wonderfully of my world that it seems like something I would make up in a day dream. I received my acceptance this week to Squaw Valley's summer writing program. The realist wondered immediately how I was going to pay for it seeing as how I just got back from the other side of the world and am conveniently unemployed. Then the dreamer who tends to take up more of being immediately banished all worry. I am beside myself with anticipation on spending a fine week in July around some of the most talented writers we have to offer right now. Janet Fitch will be there. I geeked out. Her novel White Oleander changed the trajectory of my life as I finally decided to embrace the gift of writing that had been haunting me my whole life. I am grateful and proud to be among the 126 writers making the trek this summer. Cheers.

loves

is there anything more genius than these adorable glasses designed by Elizabeth and James with interchangeable lenses. gorgeous.

i'm not

never enough words

I've died

I've died and gone to heaven. And there is a God. In fact, there are two: Ben and Jerry.

peace out bitches

I just went back to my old serving job of six years to pick up my final check. I had to fill out an exit interview that I have been dreaming of for years. There wasn't enough paper to really let them have it but I did get to lay a few final words down in my good old fashion dramatics... feels so good

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consume

I am unemployed and poor this week so we're shopping with our minds. these are my mind would be purchases.