the death grip

sometimes the one thing that you hold onto is the same one thing that needs to be let go of.
sometimes we hold on so tight for so long that the actual fibers of our being have been conditioned to not let go.
so the process of said letting go may appear to be near impossible.
it may appear to be the hardest thing you have ever asked yourself to do.
it may seem like the end of life as you have known it.
slowly and very slowly, I tell you, one finger at a time, loosen the grip.
nothing held onto that tight can survive.
so my method at the moment is this. get upside down. let go.
release the death grip. give up on the promises. sometimes the best we can do is nothing.
release the idea that you have control over pretty much anything and everything in your life.
accept the unknowing omnipresence of the inevitable.
know that everything will get fucked up.
remember that a good cup of coffee can fix most things.
everything else needs scotch.
and whenever you feel alone, "take comfort in the fact that the ache in your soul and the confusion in your heart means that you are still alive still human and still open to all the beauties of the world though you have done nothing to deserve it." -Paul Harding

happy

I found this picture of me on Jennas hard drive, hiding somewhere between lost days alleyways. I can tell, because I know me really well, that I am happy. I am truly, purely, uninhibitedly happy. Somewhere in Los Angeles on a day we will never see again.

Venus

It's all happening right now. I tried to call my mother to see what all this means.

flux

Carole

Spending the morning in my life, stewing and brewing on the words of Carole King. I have a cup of hot coffee, the boys are talking surf, the cats are chasing eachother. It's June so the sun wont come out until three. It let's me feel like I can stay inside and work. The only way I can tell I'm growing and changing is by creating. I have to have albums and books written, blogs posted, countries visited. I can't see my own hair grow. I have started a new practice in this life of mine. An adjusting of sorts to my thought patterns. It reminds me of early morning meditation. The care at which I must carry my thoughts back to where I want them to be. Be gentle. Be patient. Be present. For now, I'm very here. Easy like a Sunday morning.

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on the words

It has a lot to do with the heart beat when it doesn't match the brain. I get confused. I get flustered. I get impatient with myself. The sun was going down and catching my eyes and I had a very distinct feeling that it was one of those moments. The last of something you once held sacred and dear. Give it it's proper blessing, send it on it's way. The words were getting stuck on my tongue, but I knew they were there. Learning so much this week. I can't remember everything they say. Even when I know it's important. All the moments just blur together. Big conversations and cups of coffee. This strange feeling hanging on my wrists asking me if this is right, is this the way it is supposed to be. We'll never know unless we try. Choose that which makes it easiest to be happy. You cannot change the way you feel but you can change the way you react to those feelings. Make choices. Make the good hard choices. Grow. Be great. Let go.

half

this year is half over today.
it all depends on how you see that glass as empty or full.
one of those never ending never right or wrong kind of stand points in life.
today is the perfect day to ask yourself.
are you who you wanted to be this year?
are you moving and growing and changing in all those ways you asked yourself to at the new year?
it's half over.
have you checked anything off that list?
are you lying to yourself.
say you'll do it next week.
start today. it's your halfway, second chance, recommit.